G** D*** H-E-B!

Someone asked me the other day, “What do you want your kids to know?” and this is what I had to say.

It isn’t numbers or letters or fine or gross motor skills or any of the developmental milestones measured by experts. Well, I do want them to read and write and play soccer eventually, but not along a particular time line and those still aren’t the most important milestones for me.

I want them to wake up each day and feel hopeful about what comes next.

I want them to feel whole and happy, so they can be generous with others.

Oh, shoot, this is the part that sucks.

Because it is much easier to teach numbers and letters, with flash cards and worksheets. It is much easier to take the soccer ball in the backyard and kick it around.

But, the only way to teach an underlying feeling of hopefulness and generosity is to show them.

And I can be a snappy little bitch.

Sometimes Sparkles can get frustrated, throw her toy down and yell at her sister, “STOOOOPPPPPPPP THAAAAATTTTT!” and I want to thrown my car keys down and yell back, “WHY ARE YOU SO FFFRRRRUUUUSTRATED?!!!!??!!??”

Once in a while, Buttercup says G** D*** for no particular reason while we are shopping at H-E-B and I know where she learned that too.

I don’t always live, or feel deep in my bones, the way of life I want my girls to learn. My girls are a mirror, reminding me when I’m not where I want to be.

So I try again.

Maybe that is the third thing I want my kids to know. To keep trying again.


Saying Goodbye to My Baby at HEB

I had my grocery list in my iPhone app that sorts by aisle. Then I noticed something, I was walking right by aisle 23, right on by, I didn’t need a single thing on the baby aisle.

I stopped and remembered. I had spent a lot of time on aisle 23 in the past year and a half, getting pacifiers and teething biscuits and formula and baby food. Buttercup eats regular food now and some would say she isn’t even a baby anymore, she’s a little girl.

That night, when I moved her from the pack-n-play (where she cries before falling asleep) back to her crib (in the room she shares with Sparkles), she started to wake up and I didn’t even mind. I sat in the easy chair in the girls’ room, leaned the chair back, laid her on my chest and she fell back asleep. I held her for a long time, feeling her breathe, whispering “I love you,” holding onto my baby for one more night.