Your Mama Has a Big Butt

Growing Up Austin

I was at Sparkles’ kindergarten holiday party, getting the gingerbread house materials setup while the kids watched a video.  Sparkles came to me with a sad look on her face. She said, “Karen said you have a big butt.”

Oh, my. What do I say to that? I DO have a big butt.

We have talked about this before. Here are all the ways I know by butt is bigger than it used to be:

  • I have all new pants in a new size.
  • I have lost half my shirts because they ride up, on top of my new pudgy belly in the front and on top of my love handles on the sides, to show a few inches of skin all the way around.
  • My watch is too tight. I’m so much bigger that even my WRIST has gained weight.
  • I have passed an invisible but very real line across which I can no longer wear skinny jeans.
  • I can no longer cross my legs while sitting up straight.

This last one is freaking me out. When I sit up straight and try to cross my legs,  my legs won’t stay, they pop back apart. So, I pull at the bottom of my pant leg, forcing my right leg over my left, but it won’t stay. The best I can do is to cross my ankle over my knee, but even that doesn’t last for long. I can lean back on a couch and cross my legs, at least I still have that.

I am doing all right it in the exercise department. I do Cross Fit, lifting kettle bells above my head, pulling myself up (partially) on gymnastics rings and power lifting weights, Olympic-style. I say just ‘all right’ because I’m not lifting that much weight and I look like a dork on the gymnastics rings, not doing anything recognizable at all.

I am doing all right in the healthy eating department. I eat my veggies and I avoid fast food. But, I snack more than I think I do and I have a drink most nights after the kids go to bed.

On 30 Rock the other day, Liz Lemon saw herself in a video and her butt was twice as big in the video as in real life and I totally got what she was thinking. When I see myself in the mirror, I think, whose big butt is that?

At the same time, who decides what is big? Really, I have a pretty average butt, given how 45-year-old women’s bodies are sized and shaped in real life.

Am I going to do anything about it? Will I have  New Year’s resolution to lift more weight and never snack again?

No, not really.

I’m going to keep exercising and eating right, most of the time, to be healthy and feel better. But I’m not going to worry about losing the skinny jeans and I’ll get used to not crossing my legs at my desk. Getting older and getting a slower metabolism sucks, but I’d rather write or be with my kids than try to fight my new body.

SO, SWEET KAREN, my butt really isn’t THAT BIG and even if it is, it isn’t THAT BIG of a deal.

I told Sparkles, “You go tell Karen my butt is just fine.” Sparkles smiled and marched off to deliver the message.

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